Self-Worth

Through a lot of gratitude journaling, knowing my support circle, and always looking out for myself first, I've been able to overcome some of the darkest times and thoughts. I think everyday is a blessing when I understand more things and attempt to view things from a distanced perspective. One thing I must say is that although I may not feel connected or relate-able with some people in my closer group, I'm still friends with many that have the same values as I do. This motivates me to always strive for better and keep my head up!

Ground

If I spiral back to the people that I admire the most, almost all of them have a pretty difficult obstacle facing their lives, whether it be their work situation, children, relationships, or money. I most admire that they are vulnerable and honest with their needs and have a resiliency to handle or attempt to handle their given scenario.

Oddly enough, I'm shocked at how low I hit last year and really feel like almost a sense of superpowers with everything I've learned. No matter what happens, I know my worth and what I can contribute. I hope that I've devoted just as much to my relationships, jobs, my home, and myself that should one of these things fall through, I still have a ground to stand on and am certainly grateful for that.

Yesterday marked my first day of attempting meditating with that really cool app I found from Gratitude Journal. So far so good so I will try another exercise today at lunch!

Leaning into the Discomfort

It's amazing to me how my problems that I feel like I'm dealing with can end up feeling so small, especially when I know everyone has something they're also facing. Why is it that I haven't built up the resiliency to sit in or go to sleep with certain discomforts and want to through a fit until I'm satisfied with an answer? I think this is definitely part of growing up.

At first, gratitude journals seemed like such a frivolous task and would probably not be what I'm looking for. I believe that the trick is, being grateful or at least learning to be grateful is all we have left. Whenever I think, "Would I feel this way if this was the last hour or last day I have?" then my answer is usually, no I want to be feeling or reacting differently.

I've learned so much from this experience and am now better understanding many of the Buddhist principles, like letting go of what you can't control. We're now adults having to make adult decisions. Things I would forgive my best friends for doing are currently things I'm not willing to forgive others for doing. What if there's so much more than that?

Things I Love

1. Shoulder-length or shorter hair. Not only is it more fun to curl/wave short hair, it feels a lot more freeing. I think my favorite haircut in the past year was the asymmetrical bob. Seriously, it felt amazing. 
2. Reading. With my gals in tow to start a very informal book club, I'm instantly motivated to read more books this year. This definitely includes more funny and enlightening stuff. I haven't attempted a heavier book in a while and wonder if I could! 
3. Knowing that the worst in my case isn't actually that bad. It's sometimes sad and upsetting, but let's face it, I've built my whole life on having things to offer. Laugh, live, travel, and learn. Let's go! 

NEW SKILLS!

Guess what I am so very excited about? The new skills I'm picking up to change my perspective on things. I read a quote earlier that says it takes the same effort to make ourselves miserable and it does to make ourselves stronger. I could not agree more. Anytime I relive the bad stuff from the past, it feels like self abuse and from talking to a good friend of mine, I realized that I have to pull my shit together.

I'm getting better at not focusing on what happened and instead finding the skills to forgive and move forward. As my good friend says, it's impossible to forget so that's a lost cause.

My gratitude journal is working out for me as well. I'm making it a priority to fit in friends time and surround myself with good vibes. Finding funny things to laugh about is great too. I'll be visiting a LMSW just to gain more resources about making myself stronger. Let's do this!

More Numb

For a little over a month, I've been through such an emotional rollercoaster. Honing in on the incident and coming up with a million questions when it's really just so simple did not help. Although unnecessary, I still came to work with puffy eyes and face. Noticeable to my boss as well.

Yes, I still get sad every now and then, but not compared to the pain I felt several weeks ago. There aren't really panic attacks (or at least as often). My doubt and feeling of betrayal has dwindled. Time really does heal.

There's such a wealth of tools that can be used even in your darkest times. Some days I felt like I couldn't get through. I wanted to reach out to everyone that I felt could give me words of affirmation that I'll be okay but instead only sought the emotional support of a couple people. I realized that I don't need for someone else to tell me that things will turn out fine. Only I could do that for myself otherwise I build a dependence.

Take the love from family and friends just for existing (not necessarily to help with the situation) and focus on the happy moments. For dark moments, I read blogs and quotes. I'm a big quote person so this worked out better and better. C'est La Vie.

Strength

So in an effort to draw strength through some hard times right now, I could go on and on about what I should be feeling like but instead I'd like to note some characteristics from people in my life that I truly admire. Funny thing that the self-conscious mind can easily bash on one's physical attributes, however, that's rarely what attracts me to people dearest to me.

Calmness: The ability to think situations through and respond with well thought out ideas rather than on pure emotion.

Kindness: This applies to kindness towards other people as well as to yourself. Even on my worst days, I like to remember the quote, "

Vulnerability: Knowing that everything doesn't have to be perfect and owning your story for that. The women in books that I admire the most all have this in common. My fear of having every situation be perfect is out of whack and I have a lot to learn from this situation.

Impermanence: This I draw from my mother. Through all the grief she's been through in life, her ability to cope with impermanence is astonishing. Even if sometimes she "fakes it till she makes it", it gives me strength to continue.