Leaning into the Discomfort

It's amazing to me how my problems that I feel like I'm dealing with can end up feeling so small, especially when I know everyone has something they're also facing. Why is it that I haven't built up the resiliency to sit in or go to sleep with certain discomforts and want to through a fit until I'm satisfied with an answer? I think this is definitely part of growing up.

At first, gratitude journals seemed like such a frivolous task and would probably not be what I'm looking for. I believe that the trick is, being grateful or at least learning to be grateful is all we have left. Whenever I think, "Would I feel this way if this was the last hour or last day I have?" then my answer is usually, no I want to be feeling or reacting differently.

I've learned so much from this experience and am now better understanding many of the Buddhist principles, like letting go of what you can't control. We're now adults having to make adult decisions. Things I would forgive my best friends for doing are currently things I'm not willing to forgive others for doing. What if there's so much more than that?

Things I Love

1. Shoulder-length or shorter hair. Not only is it more fun to curl/wave short hair, it feels a lot more freeing. I think my favorite haircut in the past year was the asymmetrical bob. Seriously, it felt amazing. 
2. Reading. With my gals in tow to start a very informal book club, I'm instantly motivated to read more books this year. This definitely includes more funny and enlightening stuff. I haven't attempted a heavier book in a while and wonder if I could! 
3. Knowing that the worst in my case isn't actually that bad. It's sometimes sad and upsetting, but let's face it, I've built my whole life on having things to offer. Laugh, live, travel, and learn. Let's go! 

NEW SKILLS!

Guess what I am so very excited about? The new skills I'm picking up to change my perspective on things. I read a quote earlier that says it takes the same effort to make ourselves miserable and it does to make ourselves stronger. I could not agree more. Anytime I relive the bad stuff from the past, it feels like self abuse and from talking to a good friend of mine, I realized that I have to pull my shit together.

I'm getting better at not focusing on what happened and instead finding the skills to forgive and move forward. As my good friend says, it's impossible to forget so that's a lost cause.

My gratitude journal is working out for me as well. I'm making it a priority to fit in friends time and surround myself with good vibes. Finding funny things to laugh about is great too. I'll be visiting a LMSW just to gain more resources about making myself stronger. Let's do this!

More Numb

For a little over a month, I've been through such an emotional rollercoaster. Honing in on the incident and coming up with a million questions when it's really just so simple did not help. Although unnecessary, I still came to work with puffy eyes and face. Noticeable to my boss as well.

Yes, I still get sad every now and then, but not compared to the pain I felt several weeks ago. There aren't really panic attacks (or at least as often). My doubt and feeling of betrayal has dwindled. Time really does heal.

There's such a wealth of tools that can be used even in your darkest times. Some days I felt like I couldn't get through. I wanted to reach out to everyone that I felt could give me words of affirmation that I'll be okay but instead only sought the emotional support of a couple people. I realized that I don't need for someone else to tell me that things will turn out fine. Only I could do that for myself otherwise I build a dependence.

Take the love from family and friends just for existing (not necessarily to help with the situation) and focus on the happy moments. For dark moments, I read blogs and quotes. I'm a big quote person so this worked out better and better. C'est La Vie.

Strength

So in an effort to draw strength through some hard times right now, I could go on and on about what I should be feeling like but instead I'd like to note some characteristics from people in my life that I truly admire. Funny thing that the self-conscious mind can easily bash on one's physical attributes, however, that's rarely what attracts me to people dearest to me.

Calmness: The ability to think situations through and respond with well thought out ideas rather than on pure emotion.

Kindness: This applies to kindness towards other people as well as to yourself. Even on my worst days, I like to remember the quote, "

Vulnerability: Knowing that everything doesn't have to be perfect and owning your story for that. The women in books that I admire the most all have this in common. My fear of having every situation be perfect is out of whack and I have a lot to learn from this situation.

Impermanence: This I draw from my mother. Through all the grief she's been through in life, her ability to cope with impermanence is astonishing. Even if sometimes she "fakes it till she makes it", it gives me strength to continue.

First World Problems

As mentioned in my previous post, now that graduate school is dwindling down, I'm starting to pick up more on keeping up with current issues and Spanish articles. I promise I'm getting to a point... with wedding planning, I tend to get a bit antsy when people don't deliver and respond in a timely manner. Antsy to a point where it frustrates me all day. But then, I read about what people in West Africa or even Greece are currently dealing with. Suffering from Ebola or going months without payment. How could I possibly become upset because someone doesn't respond to my e-mail in a week? Perspective, y'all.

Dating, Socializing, and Careers

More than ever, I'm feeling a divide between my friends from college. Now that it's been a whole four years since I've graduated, I can reflect on how much has changed. We were all scrambling to finish our degrees and/or find a job, enchanted by the idea of making some money! In year three, things really started to change. Around 25, it seems like couples that were not ready to commit broke up and everyone else started to get engaged. Single and newly single friends who want to be in a relationship socialize the most. It's actually quite exhausting learning about all of the social media dating sites, but would be happy to know that there's a platform to meet people easier. The friends who much rather focus on careers also seemed more committed to their lifestyle choice.

Where do I feel like I fall? With the wedding, a couple family trips, and other big events coming up, I want to save where I can. This means that I don't care for spending $40 a night on going out when we're not actually celebrating something. The house has become such an investment - both expense-wise and responsibility in keeping up with everything. When I can be a homebody, I will. Yet somehow I keep feeling guilty for not getting out there more. I read an article recently that said, do the things that you think you'll wish you had five or ten years later. I doubt I'd regret not going out this one weekend, but I would be ecstatic to have things I can show for it.

Now that graduate school is winding down, I've found more time to catch up on shows and even pick up on learning Spanish.